Ask Uncle Jamie
by HapHazardxx
Summary: Have you ever wanted to ask a vampire a question? Now's your chance. Uncle Jamie answer everything he can. He critiques, gives advice, and can give you some history lessons, too. It's a character development excersise for me. Rated T for language.
1. Introduction

Dear general public,

Hey, everyone, my name is Jamie. A little bit about me? Hm… I grew up in the Great Depression with my parents and seven other children in my family. I was bitten at age 16, and my 80th birthday is August 2nd. I now live in a clan with four other vampires: Nate, Lillian, Seth, and Ethan. There is also one human, Katie, who is married to Ethan, and the two half-vampire children they had.

I'm known for the colored stripes in my hair, all part of my charade of trying to blend in amongst you humans. I also finish every post with my name and a smiley that conveys how I feel about the post. Why am I doing this, you ask?

There are sterotypes you humans have of vampires. I want to try to break some of those stereotypes. That, and my drudge told me it would be "good for the soul" or something like that… do I even have a soul?

I think for my first thing, I'll talk about Vampire Pride Day.

Okay, so you can ask me pretty much anything.

I'm not the best in the relationship column, but I'll be willing to give it a try.

I'll handle Twilight questions, but please, only ask them if you want me to go on a killing spree or tear your head off. I feel very strongly about sparkling vampires.

I've been doing critiques for about a year, and I'm willing to critique everything, from movies to video games to celebrities to natural disasters, and my critiques can have some pretty hilarious results sometimes.

I'm known for the colored stripes in my hair, all part of my charade of trying to blend in amongst you humans. I also finish every post with my name and a smiley that conveys how I feel about the post. Why am I doing this, you ask?

There are sterotypes you humans have of vampires. I want to try to break some of those stereotypes. That, and my drudge told me it would be "good for the soul" or something like that… do I even have a soul?

For the record, people, a drudge is the human slave of a vampire. A vampire can have only one drudge at a time, and a drudge belongs only to that one vampire. Sometimes the two become friends--other times, it's hate. It is possible to release a drudge, but it's extremely tricky and requires a bite, just as it requires a bite to make a drudge. A drudge has their own free will in most cases, but when the vampire master orders a direct command, ((ie: "Get me a soda" instead of "Can I have a soda?" )) the drudge must obey, regardless of their feelings.

My drudge is the one you would call EmoDragonstar.

The One and Only,  
~Jamie~


	2. Jamie's opinion on vampires

Truth From Lies

Jamie McMorrow

Over the years, many myths have been developed about a bloodsucking race of beings called _vampires._ Everyone's heard about them, the creatures of the night that stalk the humans, always looking out for their next meal. Among the most famous are_ Dracula_, _Lestat, Louis de Point du Lac, _and the beautiful _Carmilla._ Over the years, the myths have changed from "the seventh son of a seventh son" or "pregnant women during times of plague" to "those bitten by another vampire." Some authors have gone far enough to create "vegetarian" vampires ((ie: Edward Cullen)) who, for whatever reason, choose to feast upon animals rather than humans, and even "vegan" vampires ((ie: Morning McCobb)), who drink a soy-based blood substitute. Still, throughout the modernization of vampires, some of these myths have been altered so drastically that the creatures they create can no longer be called "vampires," even taking into mind that there are different "species" of vampires.

First, what comes to mind when the word "vampire" is spoken? In modern day times, there are many different mental pictures this could bring up. For some it's the Dracula type, wearing capes and saying " I vant to svuck your blood!" For others, it's the charming Edward Cullen, drinking the blood of mountain lions to protect the human he's in love with. Still, others may think of David, the leader of the Lost Boys, Vladimir Tod, half-vampire who struggles to survive in a world of vampire customs and laws that his vampire father and human mother tried protecting him against. Then there's the stereotypical angsty bloodsucker who regrets what he is and tries making things right, which is a trend possibly made famous by the TV series spinoff of_ Buffy_, dubbed "Angel." All of these vary in weaknesses and strengths, and yet most of them are still "true" vampires.

The first stereotype one must break through is that not all vampires drink blood. Some much prefer the life force or soul of their prey. They can be equally as appetizing, though not nearly as commonly used as food because they can be much more difficult to obtain. However, drinking blood is the most famous. The phrase "the blood is the life" was made famous in Bram Stoker's _Dracula, _uttered by Dracula's presumable "drudge" Renfield as he licks blood from the floor. Some people find the drinking of blood symbolic in religion, as Deuteronomy 12:23 reads "Only be sure you do not eat the blood, for the blood is the life; and you may not eat the life with the flesh."

Another surprising fact is that not all vampires fear sunlight. Once again, most do. In Anne Rice's novels, Claudia and her caretaker are executed by other vampires with the use of sunlight. Also in Anne Rice's novels, flying into the sunlight is a much preferred form of suicide. The detective of _Forever Knight,_ Nick Knight, often found himself sleeping in the trunk of his car if the daybreak found him far from his home. Some theorize that this fear of sunlight is caused by contrast—a vampire has no beating heart and, as such, is cold as ice. However, on the flip side, Morning McCobb of Brian Meehl's _Suck It Up_ explains that sunlight only harms those afraid of it. Taking the right classes and with the right mentality, one learns not to fear the sun and, as such, is no longer harmed. Some vampires, even Dracula, can appear in sunlight and suffer to permanent side effects. Dracula's powers are only slightly diminished, making him a little bit weaker than if he stood in the dark. In Whitley Strieber's novel _The Hunger,_ the vampires can face the sunlight with no side effects, giving them the ability to fit among humans even better.

Once a vampire is slain, most people assume that what's done is done. This isn't always the case. Almost directly related to the sunlight aversion is the love for the moon. The moon rarely plays any part in vampire novels or movies, but in some cases, the full moon can help play a part in resurrecting a slain vampire. This example can be shown in _The Vampyre,_ where Lord Ruthven is resurrected after his corpse is exposed the first rays of the moon after his death. Carmilla is also rejuvenated. Morning McCobb, after being turned into a pile of ash at the hands of an attempted slayer, is rejuvenated with "the blood of a virgin who's lost her heart to love." The ashes came together and reform Morning, with the only side effect being that the girls dreams and desires become his own for a short time while his DNA reasserts itself over hers. He has no recollection of the incident at first, instead seeing it come back as haunting flashbacks. Still, there are some vampires who won't come back after being slain, if it's done right. If it's done wrong, there's a good chance that the vampire will just heal him or herself, as most vampires have the ability to heal extremely quickly.

The number one way to get rid of a vampire is always a stake through the heart. Some vampires have the garlic aversion, while some don't. Max, the father of the lost boys in the 1980's vampire film, proves that not all vampires are allergic to garlic by stating "I love garlic." Again in The Lost Boys, Paul states "Garlic doesn't work, boys." However, in Vladimir Tod and most older vampire movies and novels, the bloodsuckers cannot stand to be around Italian foods. In the days of olden, whenever vampire activities were suspected within an area, garlic seemed to be a favorite. They would even stuff garlic in the mouths of dead victims of assumed vampires.

Another common assumption is that vampires cannot swim. Most vampires cannot drown, though some vampires cannot swim. Being carried in ships of other forms of transportation usually works in the case of a vampire who is H2O-intolerant. Holy water, on the other hand, is often very dangerous to vampires. There are some vampires who can stand it ((Once again, Vladimir Tod comes to mind as one of the most modern vampires)), while other vampires simply cannot be around it. Paul, one of the lost boys, faces his final death after being shoved into a bathtub full of holy water, as it disintegrated his flesh the same way acid would burn away a human's. Holy water is often sprinkled around windows or doorways in order to prevent a vampire from entering the building. Other religious symbols, such as the cross, crucifix, and Eucharist wafers, are very much the same. Some vampires who have a sense of humor wear crosses on necklaces. Some vampires can stand the Bible, some can't. It depends upon, once again, the type of vampires. More modern vampires have no problem seeing the Bible in most cases, while older vampires often do. Vampires who are even older than Christianity have no problem with it—if they were around before the Bible, why would they suddenly develop a fear of it? Walking into churches, once again, is the same.

Speaking of entering the building, some vampires must be invited into a building. If they aren't invited, they cannot enter. Period. Other vampires can walk in freely and face no side effects. Then there is the rare case of the vampire who can walk in, but if they are invited then any suspicious slayers have no way of proving the vampire of being one of the undead. This is shown in one of my favorite examples, The Lost Boys. Once Max is invited into the house, he can see his reflection in the mirror and isn't endangered by holy water. His way of explaining it was, "You never _invite_ a vampire into your house, you silly boys. It renders you powerless."

Some of you may have heard the rumor that seeds can be used to slow down a vampire. The common theory is that vampires become so obsessed with counting each and every seed that they continue with this until morning, when they must run. Seeds, the most common being mustard and poppy, are then placed at windows and doorways to keep vampires out. As is the case with most modern vampires, this is no longer true. We have evolved.

Salt is another one that I would go far enough to say doesn't bother 90% of vampires anymore, and I personally can't see why it would. I do know, however, that I am one of the few that can't stand salt. I don't know why this is. If you put a line of salt in front of me, I would have to find a way around it. Salt would be also be sprinkled at windows and doorways. It does not harm me in any way—I simply cannot cross it.

The majority of vampires cannot see their reflections in mirrors. To some, this makes them increasingly jealous and angry of humans who can, and some go on mirror-smashing rampages. The rare vampire who can see their reflection chooses not to because, as Morning McCobb so bitterly put it, "Nothing ever changes." Michael, one of the victims of the lost boys, may or may not be a vampire who can see his reflection: When he looks into his brother Sam's mirror, his reflection exists but is extremely pale and translucent, making him appear like a ghost, and you can see Sam's hand behind Michael. However, it could also be argued that the reason Michael's image in the mirror is the way it is is due to the fact that he is only a half-vampire.

Some vampires bleed, others don't. I would be the bleeding type. The bleeding type can still bleed, but never die from loss of blood because a vampires body would heal too quickly to allow this. Others don't bleed, though it's unknown whether or not they have blood within their veins. The bleeding type can often share their blood with other vampires to make them more powerful. If needed, they can also drink their own blood when they cannot go out and get it fresh "from the source" as the characters of The Chronicles of Vladimir Tod would say.

Now that we've discussed weaknesses, you're probably wondering what vampires have on their side. One common myth is that vampires are impervious to age. This myth is, in fact, not a myth. Vampires do not age. Ever. Some vampires are thousands of years old, but could pass for a 25 year old. It's something humans always envy, especially women over the age of 30. However, this could be a downside. In _Suck It Up, _Portia Dredful makes Morning McCobb promise to let her lose a few pounds before he turns her into a vampire, because "Nothing ever changes" and she's afraid of being overweight forever. Short vampires never grow taller, long hair can never be cut, and short hair can never grow out. Claudia demonstrated this in _Interview With A Vampire._ Angry with herself, she cut all of her hair off, then turned to show it off. When she turned back around, it was all still there. However, as I personally have found out, it is possibly to dye it. However, it will never return to it's natural color without being dyed back.

Not all vampires go around wearing caps and tuxedos. Vampires have to dress like they belong in the current era, in order to avoid suspicion. Some, like myself, dye our hair. Others keep their appearance natural, but wear modern clothes. I've met vampires from 1905 who wore Abercrombie and Fitch.

All vampires heal extremely fast. Most have superhuman strength, speed, and senses. Some have better hearing and noses than dogs. Some vampires can levitate, while others can simply flat-out fly, and others are stuck on the ground. A few vampires have the ability to shape shift. Dracula could shape shift into mist, allowing him to get in places through cracks and crevices. My friend, who doesn't want his name in this, can shape shift as well, but he keeps showing off to a minimum. Some vampires, as stated previously, can be resurrected. Some vampires are capable of hypnotism, and others of telepathy. My anonymous friend is capable of both, I believe, and I am only capable of the latter, for an example of the different 'species' of vampires. Dracula was capable of scaling walls just like Spiderman, but as far as I'm aware he is the only one. The very rare vampire can control the weather, which comes in handy to those of us who don't sleep.

That brings us to another point—the debate over sleep. Some vampires sleep in coffins, though they are becoming increasingly rare as of late. Some vampires can sleep in normal beds, while some don't sleep at all. The clan I belong in doesn't sleep, and instead we have to pass the time with the curtains closed throughout the day, waiting for the sun to set. We can go out on cloudy days, but at the first sign of sunlight we run.

Reproduction—at one point, thought to be impossible. However, half-vampires, as my clan recently found out, do exist. And they are becoming increasingly popular with the decrease of morals in the world. Even with all the time in the world to do research and two half-vampires living with us, so little is known about this race that I won't go into much detail. I will say that it requires a male vampire and a human female every time, as a female vampire no longer has functional reproductive organs ((Did I seriously just say "reproductive organs?" I feel so professional.)) Always, the abilities and weaknesses of the half-vampire depend upon those of the father.


	3. Jamie's Interview With a Vampre

**Jamie's Interview—it occurs when one person asks several questions.**

**Anise- **So... you have essentially forever to do whatever you want, but human nature was never meant for that. So do you just move from one hobby to the next, or do you have favorite things that last forever? Also, love isn't meant to be eternal, is it? How does that work?

**Jamie**- My hobbies change. There are a few things that I can stick with for a while, but just like with humans, vampires get bored and have to move on. The only current hobby I have that I've had since my rebirth is listening to music. I've got a whole collection, some of it that I've been listening to since the 20's.

I'm pretty sure love isn't eternal. As for how it works-- for me, it doesn't. I couldn't get a girlfriends for the life of me, even with the whole advantage of vampire hypnotism.((Dragonstar over here is disagreeing with me -_-" That's the way I am in her stories, though.))  
In my opinion, there's different kinds of love. I know the one you're talking about is the girlfriend/wife thing-- that's more for Ethan. But there's also brotherly love ((or in other cases, sisterly love.)) There's friendship. Some of that can last forever based on who you associate yourself with. I grew up in a very large family. Now that I'm a vampire ((mostly)) on my own, I'm finding that I don't have enough people in my life to keep myself happy and/or busy.

But my clan is there for me, so it's all good. We're like brothers, and that's all I could ask for. And of course, despite my teasing, Ethan and I are pretty tight.

**Anise-** Is it easy for you to keep up with the times? Clothing and slang and all that? Because you seem very modern

**Jamie-** The same way styles evolve, so do we. The slang just kind of comes naturally, in the same way that visiting another country for a while would give you an accent. At least, to me anyways. I just have to pay attention and try to catch on. I hang out at coffee shops late nights alot and pay attention to the clothes people wear and what they say. Shopping around in the mall is good too. Throw together something that looks cool at the mall, and you've got to look modern. As for my hair, it was long enough when I was bitten that it isn't too short now. Whenever short hair is in style, though, I can be pretty out of place. I dyed my hair because colored hair seems to be a recent trend. It'll never be natural again, but I can always dye it again.

Pretty much if you just pay attention you can catch on with the trends. The 80's were pretty hard because of the whole lions-mane-hair thing. If you listen to me really carefully, sometimes you can pick up a bit of my Texan accent that stayed, or you'll hear dialogue that doesn't sound modern. Every now and then I'll just phrase my words in a way that would've made more sense in the 20's. But for the most part, it isn't too hard if you keep an eye open.

**Anise-**Is there any specific era that you've liked best? And if so, why is that?

**Jamie-** Hmm... that's a tough one. It's definitely not the 20s or 30s, I'll tell you that. Nor was it the era of the Cold War-- even vampires could probably be killed by an explosion of those proportions. Talk about a killjoy.  
In my opinion, coming from one who wasn't actually in the war, it would be the 1940's, the era of World War Two. You see, Anise, I've always been quite patriotic. The 1940's was probably the one time in history that there was no doubt about what was the right thing to do. It was either band together or speak German. All the propanganda was amazing. The unity was absoloutely spectacular. It might offend some people that I loved this time period so much because of all the death, but seriously, I'm a vampire-- I don't find death offensive, only necessary. And morals were so much more important than they are today-- an unmarried pregnant woman was more rare, that's for one -cough-Ethan-cough-  
And I did _not_ want to learn German for the life of me. I suppose living anywhere else, like Dunkirk or Normandy, would have been extremely traumatic. Being related to someone in the military, especially a pilot, would have been torture. I say especially a pilot because the average lifespan of a World War Two pilot was a couple of weeks at the most.  
I actually considered joining up for a while, but there would be far too much exposure to sunlight during boot camp.

**Anise-** Throughout history, the common conceptions of vampires have changed so much. What do you think people should picture and think in regards to vampires?

**Jamie-** Well they've got the bloodsucking part right. There are several different species of vampires-- though I haven't met any of the "sparkling" variety yet.

There isn't really a set idea what people should picture and think in regards to vampires, though I feel Dracula is a good start. Basically bloodsuckers and killers. The whole cape and "I vant to svuck your blood" thing is a bit... odd among vampire nowadays, but he's got the attitude right. At least, what I hope people expect out of us. I just feel like people need to be more on their guard, watching out for us, instead of praying to become a victim.

**Anise-** Oh! This isn't as deep as the others, but do you have any sort of movie genre you like best, and if so, why is that?

**Jamie-** Movie preferences? Hmm.. I don't watch many movies, but I must saw horror films are quite entertaining. I'm a fan of the Halloween movies, and the Freddy Kreugar movies... But I always get incredibly hungry after watching them, so I'm sure you can see why it's problematic that they're my favorites. Can't say a horror films ever really scared me, though. Frankly, I find them hilarious. So there you have it-- if I had to pick a genre, it'd be horror.

**Anise-** I tend to like horror as well, but mostly the ones that are more jumpy than gory. I like being scared sometimes.

A lot of people view the world in a standard of black and white. Given such a view, where would you place yourself in the balance of the world?

**Jamie-** Black and white? Where would I place myself in the balance...? I don't know, it depends upon what you mean by black and white. Good versus evil? Boy and girl? Right and wrong?

I certainly know that there's no such thing as a fine line between right and wrong or good versus evil. It all depends upon what views and background a person has. A snooty rich kid might think 50 bucks isn't much-- from my background, I could pretty much live off that for a month.

**Anise-** Do you have any regrets (childhood or not) - things you wish you hadn't done?

**Jamie-** Frankly, what vampire doesn't?  
I wish I hadn't left home during the Great Depression. All kids did it, it wasn't uncommon, but so many bad things happened to me after I left my family... The worst being watching my sister Catherine die. Now, I must go. We can continue this another time.


End file.
